


delirium

by ladyalys



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Gen, I guess you'd call it that?, No One Is Okay, No beta we die like archival assistants, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, and then everything went horrible, at least i tried to make it sad, basically just me projecting my bad feelings on these poor people, jon in a coma what he gonna do, jon no, kinda sad, no comfort all hurt, oh no, set beginning of season 4, you are under no obligation to read this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:00:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25323541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyalys/pseuds/ladyalys
Summary: Jon had to choose between life or death.He chose death.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 63





	delirium

**Author's Note:**

> hi, this is literally just me channeling all of my negative thoughts and feelings into words via characters I love.  
> I've been in a bad headspace recently, and i'm a lil stressed, so I thought maybe writing would help.  
> if death and hurting and just bad things aren't good for you, then feel free to skip this! I won't be offended :)  
> please turn around if you want any fluff. there is absolutely zero fluff.

Jon had to decide whether to live or die.

It was a simple choice, now that he thought about it. Dreadfully simple.

They say that every decision you make was immediately chosen the moment options were presented; the act of deciding itself was just your brain trying to justify the choice you already made.

Jon didn’t know if he believed that. It certainly made him feel a bit better when he settled on his choice.

Perhaps “live or die” wasn’t the best way to put it. In his mind, “live or die” morphed into “hurt them with my death or hurt them even more by being alive.”

Perhaps that wasn’t fair, but in his state, Jon certainly didn’t care. 

He thought about all the things he’d done. He thought about how they all seemed to be the wrong things to do. He thought about the people he’d hurt. He thought about Martin. He thought about Georgie and the Admiral. He thought about Sasha. He thought about the bully from his childhood.

He thought about himself and his place in this world.

He desperately did not want to die. He wanted to live, to fix things, to make it all right. But he knew better. He knew that he would make everything worse.

He honestly wouldn’t put it past himself to be the end of the world.

If he woke up, he knew that he’d watch as he hurt those around him again and again. If he didn’t, then maybe they’d be able to escape. Maybe they’d finally be able to escape.

He was scared. He didn’t want to die. He didn’t want to float in an endless void. He didn’t want to stop thinking, to stop knowing, to stop being. Worse, he didn’t want to keep existing in some potential hell. God knows he of all people deserves to be tortured for eternity.

He was scared, but when was he ever not?

So, he made a decision.

And Jon drifted away.

//

Georgie and Basira were there when Jon was pronounced dead. Neither of them said a word. To each other or to the corpse in front of them.

Melanie learned via text. “Fucking coward couldn’t even bother to try and help us,” she muttered to herself.

Martin was informed via email. 

Dear Mr. Blackwood,  
It’s such a pleasure to see you work so hard! I know that you’ve had a bit of a rough time, but I’m glad you’ve thrown yourself into your work in spite of the hardships. However, there is some bad news that I legally have to inform you of. Jonathan Sims, our Head Archivist, passed away last week. My condolences. Elias told me that this means you’re allowed to leave the Institute and seek other employment, should you choose it. Now, I would appreciate it if you remained as my assistant, but I would understand if you felt the need to leave.   
Email me about your decision when you have the chance,  
Peter Lukas.

Martin was numb. _Jon was dead._ Jon can’t be dead! That’s not how this was supposed to happen! Jon was supposed to wake up and save the world. Save him.

Martin knew that that wasn’t correct. He daydreamed of Jon coming back, but people don’t just wake up from a six month coma. He had grieved plenty already.

He thought he should be angry, should be sad, should feel something.

Martin was numb.

He felt the fog creep in on him as his fingers typed of their own accord.

Peter,  
I think I’ll stay.  
Thanks,  
Martin.

Georgie told the Admiral that Jon wasn’t coming back. The Admiral didn’t understand her. He couldn’t quite grasp that Jon was gone. He still hoped, just a little, that his favorite human would pet him and give him that special smile that the Admiral so loved. He never got to see that smile again.

Daisy never learned.

Perhaps it was for the best that Jon was gone. Melanie left. Basira left. Martin was comfortable in his position.

Perhaps it wasn’t for the best.

Melanie raged. She hurt so many people. She hurt Georgie. She hurt anyone who tried to help. She hurt herself. She tore her life to shreds as her anger and hatred collapsed everything in her path.

Basira lost herself in her work. She threw herself at the world with a hungry, viscous ferocity. She hunted for something to fill the hole that had been made inside of her. She never found it.

Daisy couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. Couldn’t move. The weight of the entire earth pressed upon her. She tasted a mix of dirt and blood, as her soul and body alike were crushed.

Martin disappeared. If the Extinction were still a threat, Peter didn’t seem too keen on preventing it. That suited Martin just fine. 

He missed Jon. But, he always missed Jon, hadn’t he? They never really knew each other. Martin liked the _idea_ of Jon. He missed the _idea_ he has created of the other man in his mind. 

The fog made it hard to properly miss someone. Really, the only one Martin ever missed was himself.

Yes, perhaps the Archivist had chosen wrong. But he would never know.

Or, perhaps the Archivist did know. Perhaps the Beholding had held on through death, and Jon Knew everything. 

Perhaps.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading <3  
> this was just something short to clear my head. I feel better now, dunno about you ;)  
> (who knew that deliberately making myself very sad so I can make characters also very sad would, in the end, lead to a net gain in positivity for me?)  
> (dang maybe I should write more)


End file.
